I always remind myself how different we are, as I often forget about that. I expect myself to be treated the way I think he should(if he cares) and I will end up thinking that he really doesn't care about me. But we are 2 totally different beings, I cannot and shouldn't expect the same thing from him, it might happen but most of the time it will just be, what I like to call, empty disappointment.
Empty disappointment are disappointments that are not contented. So my disappointments come from nothing. Example, I'm disappointed because he did not give me a kiss when he left. Essentially I'm disappointed because I think he doesn't care, because to me, if somebody loves you, he will want to kiss you. The truth is, he just don't think that action represents any of his love, he prefers to express it in other ways. And there I am feeling all disappointed, for nothing. Real disappointment in the other hand is when he really doesn't love you that much to kiss you, you are disappointed for the right thing and your disappointment is unfortunately contented. It's really hard to explain this but since it's my word, I understand it pretty well, yea.
Anyway, I always expect him to showcase his love towards me the way I want but he never does. I sometimes doubt myself about the thought of us being different, but as amazing as he is, he is always able to pull me back.
This year, he wanted to order a bunch of stuff from Korea for my birthday and I'm like NO! I don't wanna waste money on me anymore since I already did my new year shopping. But since he insist, I thought I'll get something but I still don't wanna pick things out. Back in my mind, I want him to pick for me, not like surprise me, just simply sitting beside me and tell me which one he had pick out. If I happen to like, it will show how much he cares and how much he knows about me. He didn't, he makes me pick stuff out myself. But even though so, when we went through the picking process together, I liked it. I like how we get to pick together, look at things together, especially when he hates shopping but he was willing to sit there hours scrolling down the screen, waiting for me to pick the stuff, I was really satisfied and happy. It makes me felt utterly bad, because I couldn't get him anything, I couldn't figure out what to get him. Sorry, P-can. (sorry face)
Finally when my stuff arrived, instead of just what I picked out, there is like surprised clothes that he picked out for me in the package too. If you don't know, I am not the surprise kind of person, so if somebody just randomly surprises me, it probably won't makes me super super happy. But then I know this is his way of expressing his love to me, and that feeling is indescribable, more than happy. Turns out, I really do love that piece so much, and he really does knows me well! I just need to acknowledge his way instead of making him follow my way. What's the point to make him do the things I think it is how it's suppose to be when he doesn't even feel the same?
I know I'm lucky. I really do and I appreciate every bits of it.
I know I'm lucky. I really do and I appreciate every bits of it.
